1. Make yourself a sock puppet advisor and ask it before making any desicion. For better results, name it and have long-winded arguments that lead to totally unrelevant things.
2. If your opponent leaves for a little while, run away and hide.
3. Act constipated the whole time.
4. Constantly insist that your knights are kings, and they get a special combo move that only you can do. The move includes immediately pwning their king then a victory dance.
5. Set up your pieces differently and when asked for an explanation, say that it's the "Norwegian" way.
6. When he/she checkmates you shout loudly: "Ha! I win!"
7. Name every one of your pieces with names such as Reginald Chrstopher McSmithyheimen the Third.
8. Everytime one of your pieces is taken say "[insert long name here] will be avenged!"
9. Let each of your pieces go about their daily doings such as eating, sleeping or having sex. (And make your King and Queen do it and insist that you get a pawn back)
10.Give your rook castle defences, so that if he is attacked kill the other piece.
11.Give your pieces stats like Strenth or Speed.
12. Replace your pieces with other things like other little models like miniature robots or things like erasers or miniscule pieces of lint. Then say they have special powers like "Eraser Swipe" that immediately takes 2 pieces in the vicinity, or "Lintness" where you can not be hit because you can't be seen. Or you could use dead bugs.
13. Give your pieces modern weapons like guns and kill units on the other side of the board.
14. Insist that your bishop is actually either a Ultra Holy Man or a Necromancer and can resurect dead pieces.
15. Everytime a piece takes another, act out the battle. Include long monologues, explosions and car chases.
16. When your opponent takes a long time thinking, start sucking on your pieces. Or your opponents pieces.
17. If you start losing, blame the weather.
18. When making decisions with your sock puppet, make phone calls to other people so they can join the argument. You can also give your sock puppet a phone so he can do so to.
19. Give your sock a highly aggressive and competitve personality, so that every time you take one of your opponents pieces make it say things like: "Ha! Suck that!" etc.
If he/she takes ine of yours, punch your opponent with you sock puppet, then proceed to scold it. Then make it sulk.
20. Make an audience consisting of stuffed animals and such. After every move, make sure to act out everyone of their reactions.